February 04, 2022
objectively, today wasn’t great. I spent most of the day trying to accomplish one thing that I knew i could easily do, but just was struggling to find the motivation or any sort of energy to do it. which of course, frustrated me even more.
this was annoying, bc it felt like i was just spiralling throughout the day.
so after my workout, when it came time for me to meditate (I’ve been working on creating a routine of meditating after I work out everyday with Aretha my trainer), I was super apprehensive. I had skipped meditation for a week+ now, and just wanted to curl up and watch tv after working out instead of trying to dive into my mind. but, 20 min later and i am so glad i meditated. here’s what i learned:
i’m quite social person, but i’ve never really been able to pinpoint as to why. i usually attribute it to “i’m an extrovert, I get a lot of energy from other ppl,” which is probably true to an extent, but today after realizing i was spending my friday night at home (that too in my parents house, which is a whole separate thread of discontent i need to unpack), i felt really upset. and i dont like that.
to make matters worse, its not that I didn’t have the opportunity to make plans – i had two friends who wanted to hang out, plus im sure i could’ve hit up others and created plans. i had actively not made plans because I have to be up early for skiing tmrw. and yet, i was still upset.
this pissed me off and i didn’t realize the extent of it till i was meditating and trying to unpack my emotions today, but i think i realized why… there’s a few potential reasons:
first, i always feel like i should do something everyday so i can “live life to its fullest.” this is a sentiment that i think i’ve long held, so i can see why today being such an unproductive and disappointing day at work would heighten this emotion when it comes to socializing. idk if this is necessarily bad, but is an interesting thing to be aware of.
second, i think i’m afraid of not having enough relationships. i’m not entirely sure how to articulate this well, but i feel like i am still chasing quantity of relationships over quality. maybe this is a result of a breakup after so long and missing that companionship, or maybe its something deeper im not quite sure – i stil need to dig deeper here. regardless though, i’m quite certain that lot of my discontent today is related to relationships / other ppl.
actually ok lets do this digging further now: i wonder if i lack the ability to truly be alone and feel comfortable in that. if this is true, its not great as it’ll probably limit me from achieving the dreams i want to achieve (founder of a company), as I’ve heard that is quite a lonely road at times. im not sure how to solve this – maybe i should go to that meditation retreat where you don’t talk for a week…. that sounds horrifying but maybe thats what i need, a little bit of discomfort (shoutout yes theory lol). or maybe i need to move out, find a place to live alone, and truly just isolate myself from time to time to face that discomfort and slowly build up the muscle… not sure..
anyways, thats all i got rn… i still have work to do here but i’m quite glad i spent those 15 minutes meditating. this second reason is reminding me of ‘the courage to be disliked’ that book i did a podcast on… maybe I should go back and listen to the episodes we recorded and see if i can recall anything from there… i’ll follow up here or another post with learnings.
ok bet, until then.